Finding The Flavour In Crackers

I'm currently contemplating an attempt to pursue a career in the entertainment industry, and that has me grappling with the truth that not everybody has delusions of grandeur. I haven't got theatre kid friends, so I'm left feeling rather misunderstood. At times I wonder if my parents raised me with the illusion that I can achieve anything but are now surprised that I actually believe it.

Anyway, I'm an artist who paints on Dollarama canvases. Quite literally. And my current mental project is to try and make a character out of Caledon, Ontario.

For a while now I've pondered making some sort of adaptation of the creepypasta 1999, which is about the only thing Caledon is known for, but that's a piece of history I don't think I'm equipped to tackle yet. If I want the setting to be a character, I have to build it. If Hollywood can set a hundred movies in Manhattan, I can set four in Caledon.

I'm convinced every Arcade Fire song is written about Caledon. They sing about the soul sucking dryness of suburbia depressingly well. If you live in a suburb without a car you may as well be in the middle of the Pacific without a paddle. Yeah, there's beauty if you look real hard, but there's also a lot of boys in camo pants and bass pro hats. That more than anything is why I might just move to Britain, even the remote places aren't that remote.

With small places, It's easy to pick out individual elements as opposed to vibes and customs, so I started compiling a mental list: the Cheltenham badlands. Traffic pylons. Italians. But you need to be careful. If all you have are copy-and-paste elements, you'll get a movie with all the local charm of Dudley Do-Right. I feel like Dogma does a good job of making a really white place look unique(...?). I dunno. There's small turns of phrase we grew up that are kinda unique, like "blacktop recess". Maybe that's grasping at straws.

My latest nebulous movie concept is Freak in a Beak, a humorous jab at folk horror. The idea hit me while watching The Passion of Darkly Noon. I feel like the constant demonization of the mentally ill in horror movies is something that shouldn't avoid scrutiny the way it does. I'm not great at comedy but damnit, I'll try. If 1994's Threesome is a comedy I feel like there's still hope for me.